So..what does this mom want for the holidays? The present of a lack of presence (of my children). Don’t get me wrong. I hope y’all are able to hear the subtle, yet absolute adoration I have for my littles, hidden between my screams and sarcasm in these confessions of mine. I LOVE my kids! I mean, it is borderline unhealthy obsession. However, as my loved ones come to me with reasonable inquiries of what I might like to receive for Christmas, I can’t help but share my sad list of, “Sleep, time, and a little more sleep,” which really translates to, “Please peel these children off of me so I can______ (fill in the blank).” And they would literally have to peel them off of me, as that unhealthy obsession I mentioned earlier may have rubbed off on (or was smothered onto) my tinys.

Why would I ask for a gift so disjointed from the holiday spirit of family, you ask? Because life with little ones is like a sick combination of that expression “One step forward, two steps back” and a sad game of Chutes and Ladders, only without any ladders. The simplest things in life become feats worthy of medals. For example, let’s look at the simplest of tasks. You need to grab some cash from the ATM. Pre-kids: Pull in. Insert card. Get cash. Pull out. Done. Post kids: Pull in. Unbuckle first child. Rebuckle first child, as they scream, “I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF.” Unbuckle second child. First child screams, “I CAN’T DO IT.” So you go back to unbuckle first child again. Meanwhile, second child has now crawled into the driver seat and turned up the radio to incredible decibels, in order to ensure that you have a full audience for your little production. Open front door again and turn off radio. Remove second child. Shut door. Open back door. First child has now rebuckled themselves proudly exclaiming, “I DID IT MAMA.” Unbuckle first child again and repeat all of the steps above. Eventually get first and second child out and moving forward, when you suddenly remember you actually have three kids. Head back and repeat all of the steps above once again. Now, for the issue of holding three hands. First child wants to hold second child’s hand, but second child wants to hold third child’s hand, who wants to hold my hand…you get the picture. Eventually, I find a way to carry all three like some sort of unappreciated pack mule, as they continue to debate the best hand holding combination, through screams over my now aching shoulders. And then, of course there is a line! And while 1 minute is insignificant in a parentless world…1 minute with 3 is like trying to contain a thousand marbles that you just dropped on the pavement…at the top of a hill…a very steep hill. Your odds aren’t good. And even if you make it to the front, your anxiety level is now way too high to do the basic math skills necessary to remember your pin, let alone compute the value of the 2 checks you were wanting to deposit. And when it is finally your turn, you look down and realize…you’ve left your purse in the car.

So you can see why offspring removal is a popular gift along the mommy circuit. Last year I actually asked my husband to pay for a babysitter for my birthday. Not to go on a fancy date or to spend my day relaxing at the spa. No, I wanted to have a glamorous day in my sweats, cleaning my garage. You see, we moved into our house when Zoe was a baby, and organizing that monstrosity was the first thing on our must-do list. So when she turned 5 (do the math), I decided to sacrifice the potential necklace or pointless pedicure (who is really going to even notice my feet with a coiffure barometer as high as mine…See Day 11), for a chance at productivity. You see, for 5 years, every time I opened the door into that deserted mountain of boxes where toys go to die, my children would slyly slide in with gasps of awe, as if that abandoned set of tinker toys was some sort of golden nugget. And suddenly, my attempt at organization became a 3-ring circus. Now if it was just one of them, I might have a chance of dancing around their rediscoveries. But it is SIX little hands taking down and moving around and DRIVING ME CRAZY! Thus, the gift of a day to clean my garage was the best present I have ever received to this day!

My other personal faves are as follows: sleeping in, reading a book, going to the grocery store all by myself, taking a shower with the door closed…the really special stuff. Now I know some of you ladies may not be with me on this one. You might be voting for jewelry (my personal collection is exclusively made from pipe cleaners and Cheerios) or purses (I have an assortment of durable diaper bags). But here is why I opt out of these cliches….I share a bank account with my husband. So when he buys me that extravagant so-and-so, I buy myself that expensive so-and-so. Right? And if I am going to spend MY money, I am spending it on a babysitter…so I can sleep! So this year when your spouse asks what you want for Christmas, let’s be honest. Please return the lotion (I have neither the time, nor the masseuse necessary for this luxury. So it will just sit in my drawer, taunting my dry calloused feet). Hold off on buying that novel (the only thing I have read in 5 years is that parenting magazine on the back of the pot, one paragraph at a time). Nix that diamond necklace (It just doesn’t go with my sweatshirts and yoga pants). This year for Christmas, could you please just take the kids to the park for a ridiculously long time, so I can actually get something done? Or better yet…give me some time to try to remember what it felt like to do nothing at all. Now THAT is SO much better than anything you could ever wrap!