Two Mother’s Day ago I lost one of the greatest examples of motherhood, as I watched my dear friend leave this world for a better one. I know you are celebrating, but I still miss you everyday, Jess! I hope I can be half the mama you were to those sweet, little loves, and a fraction of the friend to those still lost in this broken world, as you always were to me. Thank you for letting me paint those toes purple before they danced off to heaven. Love you always!

As I sit here on the eve of a Hallmark holiday sure to be filled with the joy of crayon covered keepsakes and backyard bouquets, I am also reminded of the heartache of this day and the magnitude of the memory of an anniversary of among the hardest days of my life. And yet, I am so grateful, for that incredible day, for being there to say goodbye and for the lessons it taught me, for the chance to paint her toes purple and hold her hand as she heard her sweet babies say “I love you” for the very last time, for the undeniable presence of the Lord on that day and for the lessons I learned from one of the most wonderful mothers I have ever known, even on her own eve of goodbye. Jessica Thibado…because of you, Mother’s Day will forever be the day I learned what it meant to be a mother. Because of you, I will always hug my little ones closer. I will think before I speak or scream or feel sorry for the frustrations of motherhood. I will be more patient, more grateful, and find value in each of the thousand little interruptions to my day, which I have learned to see are the life and the memories that will actually really matter in the end. I will never again choose material or ego (or even hygiene or sanity) over moments. I will love my little people, appreciate my life, and my comfort in the confidence you have given me in putting my children at the heart of my parenting, my motherhood, my world. I think of you every time the tantrum begins, as I take that deep breath of clarity. I remember you each time a meltdown mid-Target ensues, and march through the aisle as the eye of the storm, and hug my little monsters in spite of the scene. I miss you every day and thank you for that sadness too, as it is my constant reminder of the kind of mother I hope to be and a friend I will never, ever forget. So I shouldn’t be surprised that as I read over my biased transcripts of that day, just minutes shy of a year ago, the void you left hit me all over again, and then filled me with the gratitude that you deserve.

Here are my words, from her last Mother’s Day…her last day…