CONFESSIONS OF A FACEBOOK FAILURE: Year 2
Day 5: Revealing One Liners
1. (Poor) Mr. Butterfly Herder
Him: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Shaving my legs?”
Him: “Really? What? Are we going on a vacation?”
A year ago, I decided to switch out my selfies for shame, in an attempt to change the face of this fiction. So in the spirit of giving, I am gifting y’all once again with a daily dose of self-esteem, in knowing that no matter how bad it gets, mine is probably way worse. I hope you enjoy diving into my daily, dirty little secrets this December.
Now, back to today’s sinful spoils…
2. (Poor) Mr. Butterfly Herder Part II
Him: “Yeah…I can see Mia growing up to be a carny. Definitely!”
<If you know my Mia…you are laughing and nodding right now. If you don’t, you’ll be laughing and
nodding at the carnival in a few. Trust me!>
3: Health Nuts
Lil’ Monster: “Mama. Can I have a dessert?”
Me: “You just ate a doughnut, Crazy! THAT was dessert.”
Lil’ Monster: <authentic confusion> “What??? Doughnuts aren’t dessert. They’re breakfast.”
Me: <Rejoining Weight Watchers…tomorrow
…or maybe the next day.>
4. Health Nuts Part II
<While at a home school study group, discussing the food groups and ‘My Plate’ portions.>
Me: <joking> “Hey, I don’t see the doughnut group anywhere?”
Lil’ Monster: “That’s because I think doughnuts can go under dairy and healthy grains.”
Me: <Okay, seriously rejoining Weight Watchers…TOMORROW!.>
5. Romance?
<The Mr. and I, cheapin’ it up, sharing a hot dog at the fair, with a kid per lap…>
Lil’ Monster: “Ohhhh! That is soooo romantic Mama and Dada.”
Me: <This is romance? Half a hot dog at the fair? Yep…I guess this is as close to romance that we’ll
get. Hand me the ketchup.>
6. Schoolin’
Lil’ Monster: “Mama, Mama…I know that letter!”
Me: “You do, Buddy? <beaming with pride> Did Mama teach you that letter?”
Lil’ Monster: “No. The i-Pad taught me.”
Me: <humiliated>
7. Schoolin’ Part II
Lil’ Monster: “I can spell my name Mama. M – I – A…” “Poop! M – I – A. POOP!”
Me: “Perfect.”
8. Cleanliness is Next to…Well, Not Us
<putting away dishes>
Me: “You need to clean your plate before you put it away please.”
Lil’ Monster: “They are clean, Mama. I licked them.” <said while putting away the “clean” dish>
Me: <shame…and disinfectant>
9. Killin’ Them w/ Kindness
<No idea where they have picked up these phrases…well, maybe I do.>
Lil’ Monster: “You’re driving me nuts!”
Lil’ Monster: “Is this really how its gonna be today? Really? THIS is how its gonna be?”
Lil’ Monster: “Seriously?” SERIOUSLY! Come ON!”
Lil’ Monster: “BAM it!” <I blame Mr. Butterfly Herder on this one.>
10: Hangin’ on by a Prayer
Lil’ Monster: “Please Lowd! Please Lowd, help me! Help me Cheeses.”
11: Hangin’ on by a Prayer Part II
<Whenever the Lil’ Monsters want to get out of something, explain something, or just add pizazz, they add, ““But, that’s what the bible says.”>
Example 1(excuse):
Lil’ Monster to another Lil’ Monster: “You’re a Poop Head!”
Me: “Excuse you! What did you just say?”
Lil’ Monster: “But, that’s what the bible says.”
Example 2 (explain):
Lil’ Monster: “You have to give me a Popsicle.”
Me: “And why is that?”
Lil’ Monster: “Because that’s what the bible says.”
Example 3 (pizazz):
<Try adding this classic to any of the above gems to understand the flavor this one can add to just
about anything. It’s like the fortune cookie game, but for Christians.>
And in the spirit of my long dead Grateful 365 Project, I have decided to switch my shame to celebration, in an attempt to laugh and learn and embrace the ugly.
Grateful 365 Day 129: Grateful…because that’s what the bible says.
If you can relate, please LIKE, or SHARE, or FOLLOW, or read some more.
Help me avoid the morning-after-writer’s-remorse that wells from the paranoia of my signature self-shaming, by giving me your virtual nod and smile, and I will promise to divulge deeper despairs in days to come.